Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
