life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
