my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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