Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
