how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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