i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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