my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
