No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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