i think i have two assholes
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
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I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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