I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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