Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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