I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
