Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
