I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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