No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
