i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
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Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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