i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
