But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you told grandpa to call you daddy
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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