You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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