im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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