shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
