If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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