I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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