Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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