she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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