we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
