I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
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noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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