my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
