During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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