It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
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As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
you made out with another girl for some wings
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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