nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
