onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
