I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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