If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
