Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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