When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
