This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
