Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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