Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize