Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.