Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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