I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
