grandma shit on top of the toilet
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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