when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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