All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
