i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
