I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
