they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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