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• (425): View more from Washington

  Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.

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• (769): View more from Mississippi

  she said she likes her vagina punished

  (1-769): View more from Mississippi

  being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech

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• (810): View more from Michigan

  There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!

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• (607): View more from New York

  I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs

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• (626): View more from California

  I reek of latex and grilled onions.

  (626): View more from California

  Mission accomplished.

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• (705): View more from Ontario

  You sprinted into the side of a parked car

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• (256): View more from Alabama

  I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE

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• (616): View more from Michigan

  I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no

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• (616): View more from Michigan

  Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge

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• (690): View more from

  And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.

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