Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
