this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
