Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
