I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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