yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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